First of all let me apologize for neglecting my blog for months now. I feel so ashamed it’s been so long, but I guess I’ve been in a contemplative state, and didn’t really want to write because I wasn’t ready to face some truths in my life.
The past week has been an absolute rollercoaster. I really don’t even know where to begin. Actually that is a lie, I know EXACTLY where to begin. I found out last Tuesday that my cancer is in fact decreasing in activity! I have a tiny little area, not even considered a mass; it is just a “thickening” of my abdominal wall. In November the activity level was at 4.6 and now it is at 3.5! We anticipate it to continue to decrease in activity. I FINALLY see a light at the end of the tunnel again. I can’t even explain the weight lifted off of my shoulders.
While I was still on this amazing high from this news, my ex-boyfriend and I made the not so easy decision to just be friends. It’s very rare to come across a person that you have a great connection with, on a level where you can sit for hours upon hours with not even the sound of a television on and entertain each other. I didn’t have this in my past relationship, so finding this was euphoric to me, and letting go of it was not something that came easy. But the more I learn about love, the more I have to accept the harsh realization, that sometimes love just isn’t enough. Just because two people have an amazing connection, love each other, and have every intention of staying with that each other till the end, sometimes life just gets in the way.
There are so many circumstances and uncertainties in the world that put a kink in our plans, and the real challenge is finding someone who can weather the storm with you, no matter the circumstances. You have to find someone in the same walk of life, because let’s face it, you can be in the same book, but if you’re in different chapters, nothing makes sense!
To be perfectly honest, dating with cancer is an absolute bitch! Hell, I sure as hell didn’t choose to have cancer, and here I am expecting some wonderful man to walk up to me and say, “Sure, I’ll take on cancer! Sounds like fun!” Ok, Ok…I know no one would say that. But I can relate that CHOOSING to battle cancer with someone is not a decision that most people are willing to make. And when you choose to date someone with cancer, or any illness, that is the decision you are making. There is no separating the disease from the relationship no matter how hard you try.
I get sick unexpectedly, sometimes there are emergency room runs, there are weekends in bed feeling crummy, and there is the anxiety and worry of it coming back or taking over at any second. There is a huge risk in trusting your heart in the hands of someone with a deadly disease. But in reality, there is risk involved in putting your heart in the hands of anyone.
Unfortunately cancer is not the only disclaimer I bear, I’m allergic to dogs and cats, I have to follow an extremely strict diet, and I can’t have my own biological children. And sadly the men I have come across that I thought loved me enough to want a future with me despite these obstacles in the end decided to turn the other way. I can’t blame them; it’s a lot to ask of someone.
This go round I really started to get down on myself and started thinking “who in their right mind is going to want me with all this baggage?” I mean the last one had all of the cancer stuff bombed on him, then this one jumped into the boat with the warning signs flashing nice and bright. So naturally I was a bit discouraged, but yesterday I was reminded that there is such a love that doesn’t bat an eye to such challenges in life.
My dear friend Marshall Vince passed away yesterday after a very long and gruesome battle with bone marrow cancer. Poor Marshall was put through the ringer. I always felt so ashamed that he had to fight so much harder than I did. I am on easy street compare to Marshall.
As much as it saddens my heart to know that my warrior friend has come to the end of his long torturous fight, I find peace in the fact that he passed away with his “wife, best friend and soul mate” (as she put it), Samantha by his side.
Sam has been by Marshall’s side, whether it be in the hospital, at home, or in the church saying their vows. She loved him so much, that facing the war of cancer was worth spending as many moments with him as possible. Was she scared that he wouldn’t make it? Was she scared about how much her heart would break if this disease robbed him of his life? Did she live every moment worried this nightmare would never end? Yes, Yes and Yes!
But Marshall was so amazing, and she wanted to spend every second he had left on this earth with him. And I feel as though I can speak for Marshall and say that he lived the final days of his life exactly the way he wanted to, with his wife, best friend and soul mate by his side.
Once you stair death in the face, you realize what is really important in life. Love. The love you get from your family and friends, and for me the desire to create the love of my own family. I want nothing more to find my best friend, soul mate and life partner, and give a loving and warm home to a very deserving child. I have so much love in my heart to give, and I’m just ready to give it to someone. And get it in return.
Marshall and Samantha truly had a love that conquered all. And it gives me peace and hope that this kind of love is out there in the world. I know God will deliver when the time right!
In the mean time….I’m going to keep working, dancing, playing tennis, working out, eating healthy, smiling, laughing, drinking red wine, spending time with friends and family, acting an absolute fool, telling my story to anyone who will listen, writing, being brutally honest about how this disease is affecting my life, loving God, having FAITH in my God, Creator and his miracles, and most importantly DROP KICKING CANCER IN THE FACE and looking FABULOUS while I do it J