First of all let me apologize for neglecting my blog for months now. I feel so ashamed it’s been so long, but I guess I’ve been in a contemplative state, and didn’t really want to write because I wasn’t ready to face some truths in my life.
The past week has been an absolute rollercoaster. I really don’t even know where to begin. Actually that is a lie, I know EXACTLY where to begin. I found out last Tuesday that my cancer is in fact decreasing in activity! I have a tiny little area, not even considered a mass; it is just a “thickening” of my abdominal wall. In November the activity level was at 4.6 and now it is at 3.5! We anticipate it to continue to decrease in activity. I FINALLY see a light at the end of the tunnel again. I can’t even explain the weight lifted off of my shoulders.
While I was still on this amazing high from this news, my ex-boyfriend and I made the not so easy decision to just be friends. It’s very rare to come across a person that you have a great connection with, on a level where you can sit for hours upon hours with not even the sound of a television on and entertain each other. I didn’t have this in my past relationship, so finding this was euphoric to me, and letting go of it was not something that came easy. But the more I learn about love, the more I have to accept the harsh realization, that sometimes love just isn’t enough. Just because two people have an amazing connection, love each other, and have every intention of staying with that each other till the end, sometimes life just gets in the way.
There are so many circumstances and uncertainties in the world that put a kink in our plans, and the real challenge is finding someone who can weather the storm with you, no matter the circumstances. You have to find someone in the same walk of life, because let’s face it, you can be in the same book, but if you’re in different chapters, nothing makes sense!
To be perfectly honest, dating with cancer is an absolute bitch! Hell, I sure as hell didn’t choose to have cancer, and here I am expecting some wonderful man to walk up to me and say, “Sure, I’ll take on cancer! Sounds like fun!” Ok, Ok…I know no one would say that. But I can relate that CHOOSING to battle cancer with someone is not a decision that most people are willing to make. And when you choose to date someone with cancer, or any illness, that is the decision you are making. There is no separating the disease from the relationship no matter how hard you try.
I get sick unexpectedly, sometimes there are emergency room runs, there are weekends in bed feeling crummy, and there is the anxiety and worry of it coming back or taking over at any second. There is a huge risk in trusting your heart in the hands of someone with a deadly disease. But in reality, there is risk involved in putting your heart in the hands of anyone.
Unfortunately cancer is not the only disclaimer I bear, I’m allergic to dogs and cats, I have to follow an extremely strict diet, and I can’t have my own biological children. And sadly the men I have come across that I thought loved me enough to want a future with me despite these obstacles in the end decided to turn the other way. I can’t blame them; it’s a lot to ask of someone.
This go round I really started to get down on myself and started thinking “who in their right mind is going to want me with all this baggage?” I mean the last one had all of the cancer stuff bombed on him, then this one jumped into the boat with the warning signs flashing nice and bright. So naturally I was a bit discouraged, but yesterday I was reminded that there is such a love that doesn’t bat an eye to such challenges in life.
My dear friend Marshall Vince passed away yesterday after a very long and gruesome battle with bone marrow cancer. Poor Marshall was put through the ringer. I always felt so ashamed that he had to fight so much harder than I did. I am on easy street compare to Marshall.
As much as it saddens my heart to know that my warrior friend has come to the end of his long torturous fight, I find peace in the fact that he passed away with his “wife, best friend and soul mate” (as she put it), Samantha by his side.
Sam has been by Marshall’s side, whether it be in the hospital, at home, or in the church saying their vows. She loved him so much, that facing the war of cancer was worth spending as many moments with him as possible. Was she scared that he wouldn’t make it? Was she scared about how much her heart would break if this disease robbed him of his life? Did she live every moment worried this nightmare would never end? Yes, Yes and Yes!
But Marshall was so amazing, and she wanted to spend every second he had left on this earth with him. And I feel as though I can speak for Marshall and say that he lived the final days of his life exactly the way he wanted to, with his wife, best friend and soul mate by his side.
Once you stair death in the face, you realize what is really important in life. Love. The love you get from your family and friends, and for me the desire to create the love of my own family. I want nothing more to find my best friend, soul mate and life partner, and give a loving and warm home to a very deserving child. I have so much love in my heart to give, and I’m just ready to give it to someone. And get it in return.
Marshall and Samantha truly had a love that conquered all. And it gives me peace and hope that this kind of love is out there in the world. I know God will deliver when the time right!
In the mean time….I’m going to keep working, dancing, playing tennis, working out, eating healthy, smiling, laughing, drinking red wine, spending time with friends and family, acting an absolute fool, telling my story to anyone who will listen, writing, being brutally honest about how this disease is affecting my life, loving God, having FAITH in my God, Creator and his miracles, and most importantly DROP KICKING CANCER IN THE FACE and looking FABULOUS while I do it J
First of all let me apologize for neglecting my blog for months now. I feel so ashamed it’s been so long, but I guess I’ve been in a contemplative state, and didn’t really want to write because I wasn’t ready to face some truths in my life.
The past week has been an absolute rollercoaster. I really don’t even know where to begin. Actually that is a lie, I know EXACTLY where to begin. I found out last Tuesday that my cancer is in fact decreasing in activity! I have a tiny little area, not even considered a mass; it is just a “thickening” of my abdominal wall. In November the activity level was at 4.6 and now it is at 3.5! We anticipate it to continue to decrease in activity. I FINALLY see a light at the end of the tunnel again. I can’t even explain the weight lifted off of my shoulders.
While I was still on this amazing high from this news, my ex-boyfriend and I made the not so easy decision to just be friends. It’s very rare to come across a person that you have a great connection with, on a level where you can sit for hours upon hours with not even the sound of a television on and entertain each other. I didn’t have this in my past relationship, so finding this was euphoric to me, and letting go of it was not something that came easy. But the more I learn about love, the more I have to accept the harsh realization, that sometimes love just isn’t enough. Just because two people have an amazing connection, love each other, and have every intention of staying with that each other till the end, sometimes life just gets in the way.
There are so many circumstances and uncertainties in the world that put a kink in our plans, and the real challenge is finding someone who can weather the storm with you, no matter the circumstances. You have to find someone in the same walk of life, because let’s face it, you can be in the same book, but if you’re in different chapters, nothing makes sense!
To be perfectly honest, dating with cancer is an absolute bitch! Hell, I sure as hell didn’t choose to have cancer, and here I am expecting some wonderful man to walk up to me and say, “Sure, I’ll take on cancer! Sounds like fun!” Ok, Ok…I know no one would say that. But I can relate that CHOOSING to battle cancer with someone is not a decision that most people are willing to make. And when you choose to date someone with cancer, or any illness, that is the decision you are making. There is no separating the disease from the relationship no matter how hard you try.
I get sick unexpectedly, sometimes there are emergency room runs, there are weekends in bed feeling crummy, and there is the anxiety and worry of it coming back or taking over at any second. There is a huge risk in trusting your heart in the hands of someone with a deadly disease. But in reality, there is risk involved in putting your heart in the hands of anyone.
Unfortunately cancer is not the only disclaimer I bear, I’m allergic to dogs and cats, I have to follow an extremely strict diet, and I can’t have my own biological children. And sadly the men I have come across that I thought loved me enough to want a future with me despite these obstacles in the end decided to turn the other way. I can’t blame them; it’s a lot to ask of someone.
This go round I really started to get down on myself and started thinking “who in their right mind is going to want me with all this baggage?” I mean the last one had all of the cancer stuff bombed on him, then this one jumped into the boat with the warning signs flashing nice and bright. So naturally I was a bit discouraged, but yesterday I was reminded that there is such a love that doesn’t bat an eye to such challenges in life.
My dear friend Marshall Vince passed away yesterday after a very long and gruesome battle with bone marrow cancer. Poor Marshall was put through the ringer. I always felt so ashamed that he had to fight so much harder than I did. I am on easy street compare to Marshall.
As much as it saddens my heart to know that my warrior friend has come to the end of his long torturous fight, I find peace in the fact that he passed away with his “wife, best friend and soul mate” (as she put it), Samantha by his side.
Sam has been by Marshall’s side, whether it be in the hospital, at home, or in the church saying their vows. She loved him so much, that facing the war of cancer was worth spending as many moments with him as possible. Was she scared that he wouldn’t make it? Was she scared about how much her heart would break if this disease robbed him of his life? Did she live every moment worried this nightmare would never end? Yes, Yes and Yes!
But Marshall was so amazing, and she wanted to spend every second he had left on this earth with him. And I feel as though I can speak for Marshall and say that he lived the final days of his life exactly the way he wanted to, with his wife, best friend and soul mate by his side.
Once you stair death in the face, you realize what is really important in life. Love. The love you get from your family and friends, and for me the desire to create the love of my own family. I want nothing more to find my best friend, soul mate and life partner, and give a loving and warm home to a very deserving child. I have so much love in my heart to give, and I’m just ready to give it to someone. And get it in return.
Marshall and Samantha truly had a love that conquered all. And it gives me peace and hope that this kind of love is out there in the world. I know God will deliver when the time right!
In the mean time….I’m going to keep working, dancing, playing tennis, working out, eating healthy, smiling, laughing, drinking red wine, spending time with friends and family, acting an absolute fool, telling my story to anyone who will listen, writing, being brutally honest about how this disease is affecting my life, loving God, having FAITH in my God, Creator and his miracles, and most importantly DROP KICKING CANCER IN THE FACE and looking FABULOUS while I do it J
About three years ago I stumbled across a book in Barnes and Noble that I completely fell in love with after just skimming a few pages. Little did I know that opening this book would begin a month of marathon reading, and become the next big phenomenon to hit pop culture. The “Twighlight Saga” not only captured my undivided attention for hours upon hours, but an additional handful or so females became obsessed with the human and vampire love story as well.
My attachment to this saga started off as a simple love for vampires and similar folklore stories, which originally sparked in 1992 when I saw Luke Perry alongside Kristen Swanson staking vampires in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” the movie.
The love between Bella and Edward in “Twighlight” completely enthralled me. The fact that he could literally kill her in an instant, easily by accident, and she doesn’t even care just fascinates me. She loves him so much, that whatever pain and obstacle come with their love she is willing to face them, because to have him, and his love is worth all the pain in the world to her. I read all of the books and the love story simply captured me.
Last November I went to see “New Moon” in the theatre. The basis of this book/movie is that Edward feels Bella’s involvement in his life is just too much of a risk for her. It caused her too much physical and emotional pain, and it puts her in danger. In one of the first scenes of the movie I saw this story in an entirely new light. I related to Edward. I (post ovarian cancer diagnosis) related to these vampires more than imaginable.
The most painful and upsetting part about cancer, to me, is watching its affect on my loved ones. It kills me every single day to know my family, significant other, and friends are experiencing confusion, fear, anxiety, depression, sadness and worst of all pain because of me. And there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change it or even make it better. It literally tears my heart to pieces to watch the people I care so deeply about, experience all of these negative emotions simply because I am in their lives.
I have a handful of people who do choose to run the other way, as if I have my fangs out and up against their pulsing veins lying beneath their skin just about to suck them dry. And you know what; part of me doesn’t blame them. If I could run from cancer, I probably would. I think we all have a natural tendency to back away from something that could possibly eat us alive.
The thought of pushing everyone away and making the decision for them, to not deal with cancer crosses my mind on several occasions. I’m too selfish to ever make that choice. Because I need my loved ones in my life, so I can deal with the pain and suffering I experience myself. But man there have been two times now where I just so badly wanted to unselfishly look someone I care so deeply about in the eye and say “Run. Save yourself. I don’t want you to have to go through this too.”
I know now, that in one instance I should have gone with my gut and spoken those words, and meant them, because that person ended up running in the end anyways. And here I find myself again repeating those statements through my mind, but you know what, again I’m too selfish to push anyone I want by my side away. I’ve come to the conclusion that he knows what this battle entails, and it is his decision to face it with me. Although history often repeats itself, I have faith that with a different person it just might not. I can’t run from the fear of someone running from my fangs.
There are people like Bella out there. That will love me no matter the fear and pain that comes along with it. The happiness and joy that I bring to someone will be worth the many pains in the ass cancer brings to their life.
So I can choose to hide from those that care, or I can choose to conquer my fear of them running away. And I choose to conquer my fear. My cancer is a scary, unpredictable, and fearful obstacle, just as Edward’s thirst for blood, but there are people out there who find the fear worth it.
So to my fellow survivors, I know there are times where you feel like an absolute monster. And you just hope and pray and wish that all of the pain and suffering caused by your illness would just disappear, because it is heart wrenching to know you are affecting your loved ones in such a way. But the bottom line is THEY LOVE YOU! And if they are willing to stand by your side, and battle your cancer with you, you let them. If you push them away, you just might create an even more painful situation. And if someone runs, you are better off without them anyway.
Lagniappe:
*Many believe the theory that the creation of vampire came from the Porphyria diseases, which are a group of disorders, one being where the skin is ultra-sensitive to the sun, and is often treated with blood transfusions. I find no surprise in the fact that suck folklore characters might have been originated from diseases. Because I now find myself relating to immortal characters in books and films much more than human characters.
Meriwether
*The words to the Meriwether songs “I’m No Good” speak to me more than I can explain. At the end of the day I don’t feel this way. But I have my moments where the words to this song directly touch my mind, body and soul. You can listen to the song while you read the lyrics here http://meriwether.bandcamp.com/.
Lyrics to I’m No Good :
She walked by,
She didn’t know my name.
Maybe that’s what turned me on.
Where have you been,
For all my life.
Maybe that’s what turned me on.
I could be wrong.
What’s gotten into you I can be right for you.
You should run away from me.
What’s gotten into you I can be right for you.
You should run away from me.
Well you could be always wrong,
Maybe thats why I can’t stay.
Or you could be mrs right,
Maybe thats why I can’t stay.
Well I could be wrong.
What’s gotten into you I can be right for you.
You should run away from me.
What’s gotten into you I can be right for you.
You should run away from me.
Well have you gone completely mad,
Or is it all just in my head?
Well you could be always wrong,
Maybe thats why I can’t stay.
Or you could be mrs right,
Maybe thats why I can’t stay.
Well I could be wrong.
What’s gotten into you I can be right for you.
You should run away from me.
What’s gotten into you I can be right for you.
You should run away from me.
She walked by,
She didn’t know my name.
Maybe that’s what turned me on.
Where have you been,
For all my life.
Maybe that’s what turned me on
Kassie,
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle with this “stupid cancer!” Lol. My moto is “Big Girl Panties On!” I have to keep on, keeping on, no matter what obstacles are thrown my way!
Thank the Good Lord for people like you who want to help spread the word. I’m glad you found my blog, and are enjoying it! I have much more sharing to come :)
What many people don’t understand about cancer, is that when their friend or family member or significant other is battling cancer, unfortunately it isn’t just the patient that experience the sadness, suffering, worries, anxiety, depression, etc. Everyone close to the patient experiences these things. And unfortunately many times it is just too much and people pull away. I personally want to say bravo to you for hanging in there. It isn’t easy seeing your loved ones suffer and battle for their lives! But having you there every step of the way means to world to them. I can promise you that!!!
Kel
Thanks,
Kel
Thank you so much for sharing Deborah! We are on the same page girl! I have read “Knockout,” I also juice on a daily basis. Love my juicer! My favorite cocktail is: 1 apple, handful of kale, part of a cucumeber, strawberries, lemon, and lime. YUMMY!
I also exercise regularly. Dance class, tennis lessons, weight training, spin, pilates, and yoga.
I eat extremely clean!!! Vegan and no sugar.
In my future blogs I plan on touching on these subjects! I’m glad you are enjoying the blog. It is a great coping tactic for myself as well :)
Kel
First of all, I am SO sorry that you reached out to me and I did not respond. Since my articles began I have received an abundance of emails and letters in the mail, and I sincerely apologize for not responding to you.
I began taking my chemo pills on Tuesday, and I am feeling much better! I am eating full meals with no nausea. It is so nice! I plan on doing much research on all avenues of treatment. I agree, that knowledge is power, and the more we know the better. So far this treatment works well for me. But when I am on my next break, I plan on investigating and maybe trying some sort of alternative treatment. We shall see….
Thanks for following me! I love sharing my experience with others!!!
Kel
Actually, Woman’s doesn’t do PET scans as of now. The Lake, Mary Bird and I believe the General has PET scans.
Rachel,
When I get the opportunity I will! Hopefully sometime this week :)
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